Spoof: Governments Pioneer a Modern Vision for Parks

April 1, 2017

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• Castle
• Public Lands

The governments of Alberta and Canada announced today their plans to open all provincial and national parks in Alberta to off-highway vehicles (OHVs) phased in over 5 years. This pioneering recreational initiative embraces a 2 point plan recommended by various motorized groups, beginning with allowing OHV use in Banff National Park at the start of the summer and expanding into the rest of the Provincial and National Parks system over a 5-year period.

“We’re giving motorized groups full discretion on where to build trails and ride in the park, as they have assured us they will act in the best interest for wildlife and other users,” says Parks Chief Financial Officer Billy Goat. “The billions of dollars we will make in the first year of opening OHV use in Banff will help fund and expand OHV trails into the rest of our parks.”

“Quadders know that we really are the greatest stewards of the land, so I’m glad to see the government finally recognize this!” crowed Doug Mudder, representative of advocacy group Riding In Parks saves Fish (R.I.P. Fish).  “We’ll blaze all sorts of new trails through critical habitat for wildlife to make it much more agreeable for everyone.”

When concerns were raised about the potential impact this may have on other people seeking a peaceful nature experience, Mr. Mudder replied, “Hiking is too slow and boring…and quiet. These multiple use trails are going to create a way better experience for hikers – they will get to hear our awesome engines and can treat the trails as an obstacle course – jumping around mud holes and evading oncoming machines!”

Evolutionary biologists also wholeheartedly support the decision, “If the fish haven’t learned by now that they have to evolve to breathe through all the mud in the water, then so be it,” says Dr. Chuck Darwin, “I’m tired of recovering these so-called ‘at-risk’ species anyways.”

“While we would have opposed this a year ago, it’s probably time to start modernizing our parks,” says Yohanna Scratchy, Specialist in Postmodern Conservation with the Alberta Not Wilderness  Association. “No other jurisdiction in North America has opened its protected areas and parks to OHVs this way, since their so-called “science” says that you shouldn’t do this and other people such as hikers are complaining that it takes away from their experience. I think that all Albertans should get on a quad: once you actually ride an OHV, you realize it’s super fun – the noise and the speed at which you rip around makes you forget that you’re destroying wilderness for future generations.”

And The Truth Is…

April Fools! Luckily, OHVs aren’t being introduced into our National Parks, but they are already allowed in many of our protected areas in Alberta. Did you know that about half of our Wildland Provincial Parks already allow OHV use?

AWA is concerned with the proposal to allow OHV use in the Castle Parks for up to five more years. The ongoing damage may prevent the recovery of the at-risk species that call the Castle home – such as our threatened trout. This also pushes out the majority of Albertans who value and enjoy our wilderness in different ways and firmly believe that motorized use does not belong in our Provincial Park.

If you agree that OHVs don’t belong in provincial parks, speak up and Take Action:

1. Do the survey at http://www.albertaparks.ca/consult If you aren’t sure about answering the multiple choice questions, please take the time to write your comments in so the planners and the government know what is important to you.
2. Talk to your MLA (phone, email, or in person!)
3. Write to Premier Notley at Premier@gov.ab.ca and Minister Phillips at Minister@gov.ab.ca
4. Write to Parks Planners at PlanComments@gov.ab.ca.
5. Tell your friends and share on social media! #ConserveTheCastle #CastleParks

Thanks very much for speaking up for our parks!